on cake and beauty

"nobody wants a cake that's all icing!"
~a girl on 'coronation street'

i cracked up when i heard that. another cute thing my ears picked up on the show tonight as i was passing through the tv room: "pamper hamper" - a basket of pampering goodies for the pregnant gal! lol

Killing Individuality

we are NOT meant to be clones, except in Christ's nature. not conformed out, smothered into looking like everybody else. He created us UNIQUE, none of us alike, and i do not understand the urge to look the same as everybody else.

i do not want to look like one of those models for lane bryant or penningtons, thanks.

i sullied myself tonight by watching my most hated (and yet most addicting, and enraging, too) tv show of all time (at least these days, lol!) - what not to wear. and they had this beautiful, fiery, spunky woman with a kitty cat t-shirt ('not age appropriate' smapropriate!) and the wildest, kewlest hair i've seen in ages. they said to her that her streaking job (which was funkalicious) made it look like her naturally curly hair had worms in it.... how is that going to make ANY woman watching this tv show on the face of the earth going to feel good about themselves if they do not match stacy and clintons standard of 'beauty'? her hair was AWESOME, i loved it, and i knew they would kill it, and they did.

and 'age apropriate'? age is how old you feel, act, and live: remember the poem about the woman who when she was old she would wear purple? how many of us put things off, or NEVER do it/wear it, etc, becuase of ridiculous, stifling sentiments such as 'age appropriateness'..... yeah, a 70 year old wearing purple stripes and floral flip flops may draw some eyes, but i can guarantee not all of them are going to be ridiculing: there are gonna be eyes that are wistful, i wish i had the guts to dress with that kind of freedom! to just be who i am! to express the unique creation i am of God!!!!!

ok, and another gripe: closing doors to ministry. what a blanket statement to stifle God's unique design in each of us: fear of man. like i said: there are gonna be eyes that are wistful when they see people who look/act/are 'different'..... and what about them? are they going to relate necesarrily to the three peice suit lady? maybe.... but maybe not. do we expect them to conform to so-called [percieved] "church standards" before they come to church? so why should we abandon our God-given uniqueness once we are in the church? and how can we be effective in reaching ANYONE if we are not comfortable in our own skin, in our own personality, never mind whether we dress like them or not?

a "genuine" hippie chick can reach a three peice suit anyday, if it's God's will..... more easily than someone who is dressing and/or acting 'falsely' in an effort to be all things to all people.... if it is 'false'.

i don't image Jesus faked out and put on His sunday best before He went to visit the pharisees or the tax collectors or the rich folk.... He prolly still had his dusty sandals and regular ol' cloak on.

and even then there was room for those strange folk that wore hairshirts and didn't shave and ate locusts and wild honey.... and them nuts that did things like lay on their side for 7 years.......

God doesn't conform us, He created us all uniquely and not to judge one another. the Accuser tries to conform us, and causes us to consider people in different ways becuase of how they look or their status or whatever. didn't Jesus tell us not to do that?

i am a Jesus Freak. an Alien on this planet. all becuase of me being a unique creation of God, so i'll dang well wear it on my sleeve... or in my hair, etc!!! lol!!!!!!!

a few good pics

it's amazing how a few good pics of yourself can make you feel better about how you look, and who you are as represented by how you look. check out the pictures of myself from my summer trip.

why all the pictures of myself? am a vain? i don't really think so ~ one must take a plethora of pictures of oneself so that you can keep the good ones and scrap the bad!!!!! lol. if a person hates having their picture taken and only has it taken once in a blue moon, then sure, you're likely to not like the shot. any good photographer knows that out of 100 pictures taken, only a few are going to be keepers. now, these are hardly pro shots, but believe me, there are a bunch of not-so-nice pics of me on the trip that you are NOT going to see!!!! lol.

i liked what someone said at a church meeting last night: it's important to find out WHO YOU ARE, in Christ, who He made you to be.... not 'what you do', y'know? and for me, after years of hiding behind sloppy clothes, a nothing, WHOA, now i'm a something, a someone, and that is someone who Christ intends to walk in liberty and freedom in who He created me to be. and i'm just figuring that out!

Simply Dreadful.....

....full of dreads, that is~! voila!

keep in mind, tho, that these pics were taken practically first thing in the morning - no mirror in sight! i had not yet done my daily primping and preening! lol

what are dreads to me? they reflect a willingness for me to be the person God made me without fearing what man thinks. a willingness to see myself as beautiful for the first time in my life, because God sees me - and made me - beautiful. i willingness that my hair actually can be my glory, instead of pulling it out all the time. a willingness to do something daring without fear. a willingness to let the banana tea flow out of this teapot. a willingness to actually be me. and that's a wow thing!

[x-posted from my main blog]

Suprised... at Who i Am?

List 10 things that people are always surprised to find out about you.
[from Daydreaming on Paper]

1. i LOVE orange juice with cream in it. yum! it cuts the acid of the orange juice, and makes it creamy, like an orange smoothie or an Orange Julius. just gotta stir it in so it doesnt "separate". suprised?

2. i wore all black in high school - black clothes, black hair, black makeup. yup, black makeup (except for the talc powder-seriously, all face powders were too dark!)... but i did it with class~! see in the pic? black lipgloss! :D ... and i'd never, ever heard the word 'goth' back then! suprised?

3. i used to love long nails... but my nails are so soft, they won't grow past an eigth of an inch.... except for my pinky nails! i guess the rounder curve (smaller finger) made them sturdier. so i babied my pinky nails, grew them out long, polished them.... and when they finally broke off i kept them. a few days ago i showed a friend, and she said, "why did you have coke nails?" i said, "what's that?" honestly.... no wonder people assumed i was a stoner! (but i've never touched that kind of stuff in my life!!!) ...suprised?

4. i'm only on 4? i'm getting tired, need to go to bed soon! ok.... i am a night owl. i mean, a NIGHT OWL. i am more alert (intellectually, mentally) in the later evening than at any other time of day... so much so that if i forget to take my 'wonderful' meds that conk me out, i don't sleep at night. my mind buzzes, i read, write, sing, clean, browse, whatever.... everything but sleep. and in the mornings, whether i've gotten lots of sleep or little, i DO NOT wake up well.... the first three hours are usually kind of shot. ....suprised?

2 b continued.... zzzz (soon... i hope....)

5. good morning! hopefully it was good for you, anyways... this morning i had one of my 'can't wake up' episodes.... this thing happens where i just cannot wake up, yet i am awake, but still dreaming.... i'll have scary things happening (this morning it was poisonous ants crawling in my bed) and i'll be frozen and unable to move... i'll try to call out for mom to come and shake me awake, but no sounds come out... i can hear her going up and down the stairs, going on the computer (for real), but cannot move. when i finally woke up i hollared until she came, cuz i knew if i stopped i would fall asleep again. i am so tired right now, but if i lay down i will fall asleep again, and it will be that same kind of dreaming.... suprised?

6. i didn't get my drivers license till i was 31....i still only have my L. (but my road test for my N is in two weeks or so). suprised?

7. why did i start this list? i'm having much too much of a hard time thinking of things to write! ok here's one.... when i was in school, i couldn't concentrate in a quiet room... but if, when doing my homework, i had music playing (and not quietly), i could concentrate~! even today, when i'm driving, if i have music playing, i concentrate better. suprised?

8. coffee doesn't wake me up. sometimes i feel like it puts me to sleep. one day i was so sleepy i was falling asleep standing up... i went to a coffee shop and had two expresso's straight up... and i was still falling asleep sitting at the table... suprised?

9. if someone hasn't met me in person yet, or i haven't seen them for a few years, they are usually pretty suprised to hear that i have pink dreads. :D ... but again, i do them with class. suprised? lol

10. hallelujah, the last one. um..... ok, this is weird. i just may have a brother i've never heard about, somewhere in the great white north..... someone called my house a few years ago, and asked for my dad (same last name/initials in the phone book). i said no, he doesn't live here.... the caller then said, ok, well, if you see him or hear from him, can you let him know his son is looking for him? in shock i said, ok sure... bye. and that's all i know. suprised?

*******

this list makes me think about how God makes us all so different... He crafts our lives, our families, our beings, so that we are all so different from each other, our experiences are all so different from each other, and how He uses us will be so different.

i have a ring made from the handle of a spoon, and it barely fits my chunky baby finger (i'm a pretty big girl, lol!)... and on a dear friend, slender as a rail, it's loose on her thumb. and then another friend, who is a pretty big girl like me, i'm sure it would float on her thumb, like my slender friender, too! lol ... and God crafted us that way. unique. different bone structure, body composition, physical abilities... and none of it is by accident.

when are we going to stop looking at each other through lenses of 'differences', and instead start seeing the beauty in our uniqueness? God created us differently, molded our lives into different shapes, because we express different reflections of who He is.

i have suffered from massive depression in my life, and becuase of that experience, i have such an understanding of His mercy and compassion on His hurting children.... and i am able to share that with others. instead of seeing me as a person who is 'different', 'moody' or maybe even 'nuts', how about seeing me as a person whom God has taken on an increadible journey, to teach me about who He is, about compassion, peace in the storm, patience, tenderness..... my days, weeks, months, years, of struggling through depression, i look back on as rich times of growth that i would never change. i value those desert times in my life greatly.

.....suprised? i'm not! :D

The NoHo Pledge

this is a kewl site: XXXchurch.com - #1 Christian Porn Site. it's been around quite a while, seems to have staying power!

no, it's not what it 'sounds' like.... it's all about breaking free of the bondage of pornography and other sexual sins.

convicted about modesty? check out the NoHo Pledge - click on Sydnee to find out more!

Stereotypical Hair

Consider the adjectives that we use to personify hair: good, bad, wild, nice. What kind of hair do you envision when you hear these words? From where do these images originate?
[from Daydreaming on Paper]

Good: straight blonde straight hair, to or just below the shoulders.... bangs, and a headband. pretty polkadot dress with a bow at the waist. think alice in wonderland... now is that a stereotypical western picture of conformity, or what?

Bad: dark hair, long, tangled, greasy, not cut in a long time.... i think this originates from the racist backbone of north american culture... that stupid way of looking at original peoples as somehow lesser... somehow...bad.

Wild: anything out of the ordinary.... anything with lots of ends all over the place.... out of order.... like my dreads. :P non-conformity... un-tamed...

Nice: the opposite of above... anything trendy, coiffed, and befitting to today's woman.... conformity.

funny how words about hair can bring up such... subliminal... undertones. i really don't like it. i don't like things based on prejudice and .... oh, what's that word? oh- stereotypes.

one of my pet peeves is, of course, conformity... which ties in a lot with stereotyping. oh, a christian woman in today's world is supposed to look like she's got it all... she has, after all, the Lord of the Universe living inside her... all's well in the life of a christian woman..... look like the rich women who can take care of herself. God forbid you should have pink hair, piercings, tattoos, or dreads! that person can't be a christian! she doesn't look like one.

well, what should a follwer of Christ look like? should i dress like Jesus dressed ... in robes and long hair? sounds stupid, right? so why should i conform to the world's standards of what a follower of Christ should look like? that's even more stupid.

i'm not going to mousse and gel and blowdry and outline and gloss and shine up every morning for an hour....why waste that time? for me, i could be somewhere i enjoy being: on the computer, doing something productive: writing, sharing, encouraging, ministering in whatever way God leads. i don't have to be streaked and polished to serve God.

i have pink (albeit fading pink) dreads. why do i dress that way? becuase it's who i feel God made me. how should a follower of Christ dress? authentically... suiting the God-given personality He gave them... not comforming out the originality of our Creative God who designed my personality as it pleased Him.

God made me... why should i take an eraser and rub out God's design? - to fit in?

RUBBISH.

Am i Fat?

well, i am now! lol... but mum recently found an old picture of me from when i was 12.... at that time i was totally convinced i was as fat as the day is long...

years of 'thunderthighs!', 'fatso!', etc, took their definate toll on me. i was fat and ugly and that was that.

so here's me, the fugly beast.....




....gasp!!!!! eeekk!!!! how horrid!!!!!

it brings me to tears to see that picture and remember how i felt about myself.

there was a lady, a friend of my nana's, who would come and help her out with self care... one day, quite some time before this picture was taken, i got home from school and had an afternoon snack. i was still hungry so i went to the fridge to find something else to eat.

she said to me, "you keep eatin' like that, and you're going to get fat."

like i needed to hear someone i looked up to echo what all those mean kids had been saying to me.

does it look like i was anywhere near fat however much later that pic was taken?!?! no!

that woman was not welcomed into the house again, by neither my mom or my nana.

*****

i truly believe she put a curse on me that day. to curse means to put a ban on someone. she banned me from ever having a positive self image, from being able to eat without guilt, from being able to love myself at the weight i was - which was normal!!!!!

it was bad enough hearing lies from kids... but when an adult says it, it's the uncontrovertable truth. after all, an adult said it. and when an adult confirms what all the liars have been saying about you, well then, the lies become true.

never, ever, ever let anyone tell you that childhood teasing/bullying is *normal*. that it's something kids just have to get used to. that is a LIE. it is condoning child abuse.... at the hands of children themselves, children who know no better, who just repeat what they have heard themselves, who need the adults in their lives to exercise some authority and TEACH them so they *will* know better. so...the ultimate abusers? the adults who are in the position of authority to stop it.

******

that said... that corney old adage is too true:

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

NOT that i am in any way saying that it's somehow ok...it's totally wrong.

but the trials that we have in our lives *are* ordained of God... to bring us to Him. to bring us to His Love. to His Truth. so that we may have His mercy on those who are still going through that stuff. as the basis of our little personal ministries that all women of God have.

unless a seed dies in the ground, it will not grow.... stuff like what i've been talking about in this post are the very tools God uses in our lives to bring us to our death...so that we may be reborn in Him, and grow and flourish as He has designed.

it's like dumping manure on a garden.... it's a raw, stinkin' deal....but ultimately, there is growth.